You're No Gouda
by Miss Woodford
Summary: Someone dared me to write a story about Edward and cheese. And this oneshot is the result in which I make fun of yaoi. DISCLAIMER: Don't own FMA, dagnabbit!


**You're No Gouda**

**Author's note #1:** Sealover456 dared me to write this. It's a story about Ed and cheese.

**Warnings: **foul language, and badmouthing of dairy products

**Author's note #2:** This is Roy/Ed yaoi, so if you don't like implied gay sex, stop right now! Actually, I'm a hopelessly romantic sap who loves the idea of Ed/Winry; but I'm trying my hand at this pairing because yaoi in general, and Roy/Ed in particular are kind of - cheesy. And here you thought it was because I live in Wisconsin! LOL.

After a passionate session of lovemaking with Roy (I'm not telling who is seme and who is uke - that you will have to guess) , Edward Elric loved nothing better than to fall asleep while cuddled in the strong arms of the Flame Alchemist. Unfortunately, Roy couldn't sleep because one of the aftereffects of sex was - it made him hungry. Which Ed hated because Roy had poor "table" manners - he ate with his mouth open, loudly smacked his lips, noisily emitted foul burps (most foods gave him gas), licked his fingers with disgusting slurping noises, and left crumbs in their bed.

After a long time spent rummaging thorough the icebox, bottles and jars clinking, and Roy muttering "Isn't there anything to eat in this house?" , he returned - triumphant - and jumped on the water bed with such force as to cause a minor tidal wave. And Ed was prone to seasickness. So the blond clenched his teeth and fists until the mild surge of nausea subsided. Only to have Roy lean over him while chewing open mouthed (_I swear Roy, if you drop food in my ear, I will fucking kill you!_) to whisper (he talked with his mouth full too) with now garlic salami-scented breath. "Open your mouth and close your eyes, and I will give you a big surprise!"

Ed grumbled and pretended to be asleep, he'd just given Roy a blowjob a few minutes ago - so it was now Roy's turn to pleasure Ed. Once he'd had himself a little nap. "Eddddieeeee, c'mon!" Roy wheedled in a tone like fingernails pulled down a blackboard. Edward hated to be called "Eddie", because it was a diminutive of his name. Which is why Roy used it. Now Roy was shaking his shoulder with one hand, "Wakey, wakey!" Edward blew a loud sigh. Roy refused to take the hint. _Oh, all right_ _then!_ He did what Roy wanted, but keeping eyes tightly closed, he turned his head and opened his mouth wide.

Almost instantly, it was filled with food - first Ed's tongue detected the flasky, crispy flavor of a cracker; followed by the buttery, smooth flavor of - cheese. _UGH!_ Roy warmly chuckled when the Fullmetal's face crumpled in disgust. "C'mon Ed, eat it, eat it all! That's an order!" Ed wanted nothing more to spit it out, but then he'd be as bad as Roy, so he obediently chewed and swallowed, but grimaced all the while. He opened his beautiful golden eyes, in order to flash Roy the "hairy eyeball", but got sidetracked by Mustang's seraphic smile. He was holding out another piece of cheese on a cracker.

Ed's eyes crossed at the sight, but he wanted to keep Roy happy, so he ate the proffered snack. After swallowing, he asked, tetchily "Roy, do you know where cheese comes from?"

Mustang played dumb. "From milk, at a cheese factory?" Another loud sigh. "No, you idiot, where does the cheese factory get the milk!" "Uhhh," Roy put a finger on his chin and peered up at the ceiling, an adorable look which made Ed want to throw him down and ravish him right there. "From a dairy farm, right?" He was laying the dumb act on thick.

"And where does milk come from?" Ed's patience was grinding down and he was ready to use the "board of education" on Roy's tender backside; and he knew where it was kept - under the bed. "From cows - am I right!" Roy squealed like a little girl, and for some strange reason, Ed was really turned on by the sound.

"That's right, Roy, cheese comes from milk, which is a white liquid which comes from a cow's tits!" Ed just about screamed that last word, which brought a low chuckle, and a familiar smirk from Roy. _The bastard planned it all along - that sexy, sexy bastard_. _Screw it - no check that, screw him!_ Uttering a low growl, Ed leaped up and on top of Roy, then threw his commanding officer onto his back before proceeding to ravish him breathless.

Thirty minutes later, they lay sweating and panting in each other's arms, both too winded to speak for a few minutes. Roy was the first to move, after he rolledover to his right side, his fingers traced lazy swirls over Ed's nipples. "Are you hungry?" he purred seductively. "Ah, Roy, " Ed grumbled back "you're no Gouda." "Umm, no," Roy rolled back to his left side, and Ed could hear cellophane crinkling, "the label says 'aged brick cheese'."

**Author's note #3:** I now officially pass the Cheese Challenge Baton to another. (BTW: Don't forget about the Ed/Win Wrench Challenge!) Not bad for something I wrote in less than half an hour. C'mon, flame me! You know you want to! (Laughs evilly)


End file.
